Hubby Speaks
Monday, October 24, 2005
Reactions and Fear -Part 1
One of the problems with navigating through the waters of our lives, offices, and families is that fear keeps us from moving forward. You may fear the retribution from someone in your office. You fear their reactions and the power they might have over you. It causes great pause within you and causes you not to do the right things.
In situations like these, you are almost held hostage.
There are many times that we don't react to situations in our homes or offices or neighborhoods because if we react to the things that we don't like about someone else, we open the door for them to react against something that we are doing that they don't like. If Ithink my wife is spending a lot of money on certain things we don't need, I should bring the issue up for discussion. After all, we agreed upon a budget, and she is taking our budget out of balance and moving us further away from our goals. But, I don't bring it up because there are things that I've been spending money on that she might consider frivolous.
There is this game that we play that goes something like this, "I'm not going to approach you about the things that you are doing wrong, so you don't have a right to talk to me about the things that I am doing wrong.” We know in our heart that there are things we should be talking about. Things are bugging us, but if we bring them up it's going to give them the right to do the same. This is clearly an inauthentic way of living in relationships, but we do it all the time.
The only way to get past it is to initiate a conversation and get it all out on the table, and that means you're going to have to discipline yourself to create time for discussion and be willing to own up to your wrongs. That's not a bad thing. It's a hard thing. This difficult thing that we are fighting against is the very thing that keeps us from creating and meeting goals.
The truth is that if my spending was in check and that money went to the things that were important (savings, investments) our family would be a lot better. So, I will avoid approaching my wife, so that she will avoid confronting me. But, by doing this, I am hindering my family in the long run. The same is true in the office or whatever the social or relational circumstance. You hold your feelings back about the other person's negative traits and your resentment festers. If they bring up issues about your negative traits, then the gloves come off, and you fire back with all that you've been storing up. As soon as they unleash or open the dam, then so do you. It becomes a mess. Both people begin to regurgitate on each other the things they've been secretly keeping at bay. It was an inauthentic relationship. I guess we all have them in some areas of life.
The reason is because we do not like to have our way of navigating life curbed and controlled by someone else. But, if we permit someone to speak into areas of our life and hold us accountable (not controlled), it
actually gives us the life that we really want and desire.
The former way is to be in control but be damaging to
our self, and the right way is to be authentic and realize
our dreams together.
(to be continued)
In situations like these, you are almost held hostage.
There are many times that we don't react to situations in our homes or offices or neighborhoods because if we react to the things that we don't like about someone else, we open the door for them to react against something that we are doing that they don't like. If Ithink my wife is spending a lot of money on certain things we don't need, I should bring the issue up for discussion. After all, we agreed upon a budget, and she is taking our budget out of balance and moving us further away from our goals. But, I don't bring it up because there are things that I've been spending money on that she might consider frivolous.
There is this game that we play that goes something like this, "I'm not going to approach you about the things that you are doing wrong, so you don't have a right to talk to me about the things that I am doing wrong.” We know in our heart that there are things we should be talking about. Things are bugging us, but if we bring them up it's going to give them the right to do the same. This is clearly an inauthentic way of living in relationships, but we do it all the time.
The only way to get past it is to initiate a conversation and get it all out on the table, and that means you're going to have to discipline yourself to create time for discussion and be willing to own up to your wrongs. That's not a bad thing. It's a hard thing. This difficult thing that we are fighting against is the very thing that keeps us from creating and meeting goals.
The truth is that if my spending was in check and that money went to the things that were important (savings, investments) our family would be a lot better. So, I will avoid approaching my wife, so that she will avoid confronting me. But, by doing this, I am hindering my family in the long run. The same is true in the office or whatever the social or relational circumstance. You hold your feelings back about the other person's negative traits and your resentment festers. If they bring up issues about your negative traits, then the gloves come off, and you fire back with all that you've been storing up. As soon as they unleash or open the dam, then so do you. It becomes a mess. Both people begin to regurgitate on each other the things they've been secretly keeping at bay. It was an inauthentic relationship. I guess we all have them in some areas of life.
The reason is because we do not like to have our way of navigating life curbed and controlled by someone else. But, if we permit someone to speak into areas of our life and hold us accountable (not controlled), it
actually gives us the life that we really want and desire.
The former way is to be in control but be damaging to
our self, and the right way is to be authentic and realize
our dreams together.
(to be continued)
Comments:
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Fear kept me in check for many years, but it was the fear of failure, so I did nothing. What I didn't realize at that time is that doing nothing IS failing.
I try to teach that to my kids, now.
I try to teach that to my kids, now.
I have never read a tyrannical or embarrassing statement on Jamie's blog about you! Methinks you might be a bit too sensitive.
Since she reads this, haven't you just outed yourself in a way that is at least semi-fearful? By not doing it face-to-face, you accomplish the same by doing it here, but in a way that cannot be immediately challenged by her. I do this often: write my frustrations instead of confronting someone about them. But I do see it as a coward's way of approaching the situation. Am I wrong?
Since she reads this, haven't you just outed yourself in a way that is at least semi-fearful? By not doing it face-to-face, you accomplish the same by doing it here, but in a way that cannot be immediately challenged by her. I do this often: write my frustrations instead of confronting someone about them. But I do see it as a coward's way of approaching the situation. Am I wrong?
It's a good thing I don't have a spending problem, or we'd have to have a discussion about wasting moolah. Your post makes a good point. I hope we are rich some day and can waste moolah to our hearts' content!
Tyranny, mistruths??? I don't need to lie about anything.
The funny stuff is just there for the picking.
Another blog? You are making me work. Now I have to add another link on my blogroll.
Tyranny, mistruths??? I don't need to lie about anything.
The funny stuff is just there for the picking.
Another blog? You are making me work. Now I have to add another link on my blogroll.
Kenju: All in Jest, All in jest!
Jamie and I do not use our blogs for our marriage communication. We do that face to face.
I rarely write my frustrations to anyone. Except in the case of a performance review. But even those are also done face to face.
It is too dangerous to leave it up to the other person reading the frustration to interpret my tone, irritation, facial expression, etc.
and It almost always ends up with a wrong intended response.
You are right, that if someone usually moves through their relationships with that type of pattern, it is a cowards way.
Jamie and I do not use our blogs for our marriage communication. We do that face to face.
I rarely write my frustrations to anyone. Except in the case of a performance review. But even those are also done face to face.
It is too dangerous to leave it up to the other person reading the frustration to interpret my tone, irritation, facial expression, etc.
and It almost always ends up with a wrong intended response.
You are right, that if someone usually moves through their relationships with that type of pattern, it is a cowards way.
forgive me for the unrelated comment but finally I found the title for your book of budapestians: Going Crazy In Budapest. now the tickets... it can take me some time... :)
I have good recipes, too!
I have good recipes, too!
"It is too dangerous to leave it up to the other person reading the frustration to interpret my tone, irritation, facial expression, etc.
and It almost always ends up with a wrong intended response."
truer words have never been spoken!
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and It almost always ends up with a wrong intended response."
truer words have never been spoken!
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