Hubby Speaks

As we react to others, it is important to know that we don't know certain things. We are all affected by the circumstances and situations in life that we have been through. The pain, the discouragement of the hardship of life for some, the ease of life for others all play a part. Just as certain colored lenses filter out different colors in our sunglasses, we all look at everything we are involved with and every person we are in front of with certain lenses that prohibit us from seeing all of the colors, shades and hues before us. The awareness and ownership of that truth should be enough to help all of us give pause in just about every reactive response. We have to own the truth and understand that the situation in front of us has colors associated with it that we are unable to see.

For instance, if someone has had a relatively easy life, relationships have come easy, their looks are acceptable and attractive according to society, things have come fairly easy and home life has been stable, minimum health issues to deal with, (Let's also put them in a church or faith setting for the majority of their life),  they will view life very differently than someone who has faced pain, tragedy, failure, abuse, hurt, or rejection on a continual basis.  Both of these will have different judgments. They both will be crippled in their reactions to others and life because they filter out different colors of life.

Even though those are extreme opposites, it is true of all of us. Our natural ability to react or respond to the circumstances in life has become crippled exactly because of our unique life lessons. We need to know that we don't know certain things. We have to own the fact that we do not see clearly, and some colors, shades, hues, and circumstances have been filtered by our own past, the good and the bad. Not being aware of this fact causes us to limit our ability to interact and bring about positive, lasting change in a lot of situations in our life.

Even though it is impossible to trade sunglasses and see life or the problem through someone else's lenses, it is possible to own the fact that this is a truth worth investigating. Just maybe adding the fact that "We Know That We Don't Know" to our reactions tool box will be worthwhile.

Most marriages and office environments live the inauthentic way. It's also the same way in Congress with all the pork barrel spending. You don't say anything about my spending project and I'll leave your inappropriate spending alone also. The minute you don't, then you will have my full vengeance coming your way. So play along with the way it has always been. The best thing for the country would be to lay all that on the table and the members of Congress truly speak authentically about the others' projects without fear or favor. This is a very simplistic Idea but very tough to get to because it means revealing things about that we would rather hang on to and control.

The caveat to this is if you are the type of person that has a hard time speaking up. Maybe you don't know how to verbalize what you want to say, or you are very timid. You will always be taken advantage of unless you find your voice and a way of communicating what you want and need. It will always be that way.

  One of my children has a hard time speaking up for what they want. Unless I take the time and trouble to help them know how to speak up, then they will always be taken advantage of. So I have to be creative and encourage them to speak in situations and circumstances, and also let them know that it is not going to feel comfortable for them to do it. They cannot wait until they feel like speaking up; they have to speak up before the feeling comes. It is always easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action. This can be learned. It may never be second nature for this person, but they can recognize the signs of being taken advantage of. Understanding the emotions and feelings they feel when they need to confront a situation, but feel crippled to speak up. That feeling is their clue to act. If you identify with the last paragraph, you too can learn to navigate life easier and end up with a better life.

All the above comes down to authentic living and being aware of how fear cripples our reactions.

One of the problems with navigating through the waters of our lives, offices, and families is that fear keeps us from moving forward. You may fear the retribution from someone in your office. You fear their reactions and the power they might have over you. It causes great pause within you and causes you not to do the right things.

In situations like these, you are almost held hostage.

There are many times that we don't react to situations in our homes or offices or neighborhoods because if we react to the things that we don't like about someone else, we open the door for them to react against something that we are doing that they don't like. If Ithink my wife is spending a lot of money on certain things we don't need, I should bring the issue up for discussion. After all, we agreed upon a budget, and she is taking our budget out of balance and moving us further away from our goals. But, I don't bring it up because there are things that I've been spending money on that she might consider frivolous.

There is this game that we play that goes something like this, "I'm not going to approach you about the things that you are doing wrong, so you don't have a right to talk to me about the things that I am doing wrong.” We know in our heart that there are things we should be talking about. Things are bugging us, but if we bring them up it's going to give them the right to do the same. This is clearly an inauthentic way of living in relationships, but we do it all the time.

The only way to get past it is to initiate a conversation and get it all out on the table, and that means you're going to have to discipline yourself to create time for discussion and be willing to own up to your wrongs. That's not a bad thing. It's a hard thing. This difficult thing that we are fighting against is the very thing that keeps us from creating and meeting goals.

The truth is that if my spending was in check and that money went to the things that were important (savings, investments) our family would be a lot better. So, I will avoid approaching my wife, so that she will avoid confronting me. But, by doing this, I am hindering my family in the long run. The same is true in the office or whatever the social or relational circumstance. You hold your feelings back about the other person's negative traits and your resentment festers. If they bring up issues about your negative traits, then the gloves come off, and you fire back with all that you've been storing up. As soon as they unleash or open the dam, then so do you. It becomes a mess. Both people begin to regurgitate on each other the things they've been secretly keeping at bay. It was an inauthentic relationship. I guess we all have them in some areas of life.

The reason is because we do not like to have our way of navigating life curbed and controlled by someone else. But, if we permit someone to speak into areas of our life and hold us accountable (not controlled), it
actually gives us the life that we really want and desire.
The former way is to be in control but be damaging to
our self, and the right way is to be authentic and realize
our dreams together.
(to be continued)