Hubby Speaks

I have made certain commitments about food and exercise in my life, but how serious I am about those commitments is difficult to determine without measuring my progress. A scale serves as one tool of accountability. Am I achieving my goal, or am I missing it? Ultimately the scale reveals how effective I have been in living up to my commitment.

It is unlikely that we will improve our reactions and deepen our relationship with others by approaching it in a casual or haphazard manner. People do not casually drift into being in control of their reactions, just as people do not drift into becoming loving, joy-filled, or patient. It requires intention and effort.

The default mode of the human heart is to drift. If a person desires to experience real transformation in this area of reactions, it's typically because they have faced either the consequences of their destructive behavior or someone else has cared enough to say, "I want you to live a different way, and I want to help you know if you are serious about it."

We all need to make some key decisions on our journey of reaction transformation.  What are my commitments to becoming a more patient & loving reactor?  What are my commitments about living in authenticity?  Keeping these commitments requires intentionality and a level of accountability to serve as a scale revealing how we're achieving our goals or missing them.

Please give me your feedback on ways in which someone might gauge or measure how they are doing in the area of reactions, and how they might welcome more accountability to themselves.

My reactions, unfiltered, have little chance of bringing about  better relationships or environments around me.


Filters are created by awareness of your immediate state of  mind, emotionally and physically. Filters detect and help  weed out responses that are immersed in fears,  disappointments, past hurts, feeling overwhelmed, feeling  lonely,  irritated, tired etc.


For instance if I run my reactions through my filter and  realize that I’m afraid of answering questions from a person,  then I will be defensive. Answering those questions may be  the best thing for everyone in the long run. But my fear of  being questioned or judged will cause me to shut down or be  angry.  


If my child does something that irritates me, my unfiltered  reaction may be destructive to the relationship, but filtered will  allow me to be aware of my inner state of being before  reacting or taking appropriate action steps.


Being self aware as well as sensitive to extenuating  circumstances will also help us understand what inadvertently  causes us to shut down or ramp up emotionally.  


How do we pause long enough to filter our reactions? First,  by being aware that the filtering process needs to take place.  If you are not aware of filtering, then there is no reason to  filter. The reason you filter coffee is because of the distasteful  coffee grounds that cause drinking coffee to be disgusting  and ruin the drink. The same is true about our un-filtered  reactions, they become distasteful and the ruin of  relationships and communication.


If I can catch myself before I react or if I have time to consider  my reactions before I attend a meeting or have an interaction  between an employee, friend or family member, I am much  more likely to have an outcome that is conducive for success  no matter what that success is defined by. For example, if  success is deepening the relationship, than pausing before or  considering my reaction before a conversation can bring  about that result. If success for a situation means being heard  and bringing about a proper response than I can accomplish  that as well.  If success is to bring about some sort of change  in behavior or a motivation than I can process my anger or  irritation before I just let it fly.  This is not an attempt to not  feel emotions that should be felt, rather it is an attempt to  identify emotions and circumstances before they cause an  under reaction or an over reaction.  Under reactions mostly  are caused by fear of how the other person or persons will  respond to you and what you have to say.


Under reaction in relationships allow things to go unsaid that  should be said.  If we are tired when we get home from work  and the only thing we have on our mind is relaxing in our  favorite chair while watching the television, we are more likely  to not confront children or spouse who are doing things that  are unreasonable or destructive. The fear is that if we  confront and they blow up, the entire evening could be the  antithesis of what we had hoped for and possibly needed.  


Also, there are some people for whom it is very difficult for  them to confront for fear of being disliked. And still others who  have self esteem issues and never feel like they have the  right to bring correction in any given circumstances.  


Yet still there are others who have a hard time ignoring  situations around them and are quick to speak up where they  see things out of control or need someone to address the  problems.  Many people in this category feel like they have  answers to a lot of problems that they encounter, and aren’t  shy to bring that realization to all who have ears to hear.

Surprisingly, one of the biggest obstacles for people is when  they are very good leaders and have a reputation for making  the right calls.  This confidence lures these people into “not”  pausing enough and checking their knee jerk reactions. This same confidence, which in most other areas of their life  serves them well, is now interfering with what’s best. Which   is to pause and run their thoughts and knee jerk reactions  through the filter of awareness.  

So for the timid, there needs to be a concerted effort to step  into situations around them and speak up, and for the  aggressive, a concerted effort to pause and be aware of their  knee jerk reaction or thoughts and possibly ratchet it down a  notch.