Hubby Speaks

Friday, October 21, 2005

 
REACTIONS AND BRAIN PROCESSES

When we react to something, there are a few things
going on: emotions, the facts, the circumstance, and
the other people. How do we determine what set of
facts/circumstances warrant what level of response?
Is it possible to always run through a checklist of
emotional and factual items before we allow a type of
reaction? Isn't that what we do every time we react?
It is the process that our brains go through in a
split second, and we react based on the offense, the
level of offense, and the level of problems that the
offense causes us.

We do this all the time. For example, someone cuts you
off on the highway. In a split second, your brain
determines whether or not the incident was dangerous
or problematic enough that it should illicit a response.
And then what seems like an involuntary action from us
takes place. But actually, it is a completely voluntary
action. Based on if the situation had happened
before, based on how we are doing emotionally the
instant it happens, based on how frustrating the day
has been, based on how many other times recently you
have felt injured or slighted or taken advantage of,
your brain processes all that and spits out a
response. You act upon it or you resist it. Those are
the two options that we have.

If we become aware that all this is going on, then we
can participate in the process. I have come to
understand how my body works with regard to health
issues. When I am not aware of what certain things do
to my body when I eat them, then I am unable to draw a
line of understanding from the eating to the health
problem that results. But once I am aware of why the
body operates the way it does, then I can understand
that certain things that I eat or participate in will
bring about unwanted results. I enter into the process
of changing the unwanted result by changing part of
the process that leads to that result.

In the same way, being able to help people draw a line
connecting reactions to personal environment can help
us own the process instead of being enslaved to
whatever the outcome may be. You can train yourself
to be more involved in those split second decisions.
Awareness is the first step. Honesty and authenticity
follow close behind.

You can train yourself to be more involved in those
split second choices. Awareness goes up, and you build
into your framework the following questions: Is this
affecting me for extreme harm, or is it something that
will pass and I can just let go? Do I need to involve
myself in the situation, or can I stay out and off to
the side?

You can determine the severity of the situation, and
plan your response to achieve the outcome you desire.
Be honest about how you're feeling at the moment. For
example, just being aware of how tired you are will
allow you to not overreact when the children are just
doing normal stuff. It confuses those around you when
you react one way one day, and react another the next.
Your reaction isn't based on the other person's
action, as much as it is based on your stressed
emotions, lack of sleep, etc. It is all about knowing
your self and feeding that information into the mix of
other facts. That is what will bring about the perfect
reaction. Training your self to strip away the things
that are not truly relevant and giving credence to the
things that are true before reacting.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

 
PREDISPOSED TO REACT

We are predisposed to react in certain ways. Call it
our knee-jerk reactions. Some of us are predisposed to
offer grace to people in larger doses and more often
than others. Our reactions to others are colored by how
we view the world. For instance, if I am somebody who
constantly lives in the grey areas, who looks at rules as
suggestions, I will be more likely to understand when
someone else breaks or bends a rule. But, if I am a
highly disciplined individual who follows the rules,
then I have little room for people who skirt around
them as though they don't really matter.

Those who are more at ease with breaking the rules are
less likely to throw the book at people who deserve it.
This predisposition is a strength and a weakness, just as
the predisposition of those who are rules oriented is a
strength and weakness (They never miss a chance to
throw the book at people).
Understanding where you are allows you to get out
of your own way and balance your reactions.

Do you have the tendency to easily dismiss people's
lack of following procedures? You should be aware
that you downplay attitudes or actions that might
eventually bring harm to your family or business. By
interrupting your knee-jerk reaction towards "letting
things go all the time," you can move to more of a
balanced reaction that says, "I need to hold people
accountable for their actions."

Do you have the tendency to jump down people's
throats when they bend or break the rules? You
should be aware that you may be reacting before
listening to what they have to say. They may have
a valid reason for what they did. Interrupt your
knee-jerk reaction of "attacking all who veer
from procedure" and move towards a balance
that says, "Ease into holding people accountable
until I know all the facts."

What is your predisposition?

Monday, October 17, 2005

 
REACTIONS & TIMING

Perfect reactors understand that the best time to deal with problems is not necessarily at the moment the situation raises its ugly head. Most of us never get to any sort of resolve from our conflicts, because the only time we deal with problems is in the heat of the situation, which is almost always the wrong time. We go from one level of emotional escalation to another, and problems don't get resolved in those times. We don't think very clearly when we're screaming.

What is the desired goal? To properly deal with and resolve the problem so it doesn't keep popping up again. Instead, most of us battle the same problems over and over again, with no real lasting resolve. We do what we can to bring calm to the present and get out of the tension, but that is no resolve at all.

The best resolve comes from a perfect reaction in the present and setting a future time to deal with the problem when people are at their best or at least outside of the immediate emotional upheaval. This takes a great amount of discipline, but it is possible more often than you might think. You can build this into your life and make a world of difference in how you approach resolving conflict.

Do you think you can try this? Next time you find yourself in an problem situation, try and meet it with a calm response. Acknowledge that the problem is having a negative effect on all involved. Set up a meeting around the dinner table or in the conference room to address it where each person can have their say. This will allow some time to pass, so when the problem is addressed, it won't be in the heat of the moment. Have people bring notes if they want to, and then together try and decide a course of action that can be agreed on to bring about resolve.

We've used this approach in our own family. It has worked for me in the business environment as well. People want to be heard. Many problems can be solved if you control your knee-jerk reactions and stop the situation from escalating, then guide people into a time for discussing the problem with cooler heads at a later time.

Mull this over and give me your thoughts. I'll contunue with more on Wednesday.

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