Hubby Speaks
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Reactions and Filters
As we react to others, it is important to know that we don't know certain things. We are all affected by the circumstances and situations in life that we have been through. The pain, the discouragement of the hardship of life for some, the ease of life for others all play a part. Just as certain colored lenses filter out different colors in our sunglasses, we all look at everything we are involved with and every person we are in front of with certain lenses that prohibit us from seeing all of the colors, shades and hues before us. The awareness and ownership of that truth should be enough to help all of us give pause in just about every reactive response. We have to own the truth and understand that the situation in front of us has colors associated with it that we are unable to see.
For instance, if someone has had a relatively easy life, relationships have come easy, their looks are acceptable and attractive according to society, things have come fairly easy and home life has been stable, minimum health issues to deal with, (Let's also put them in a church or faith setting for the majority of their life), they will view life very differently than someone who has faced pain, tragedy, failure, abuse, hurt, or rejection on a continual basis. Both of these will have different judgments. They both will be crippled in their reactions to others and life because they filter out different colors of life.
Even though those are extreme opposites, it is true of all of us. Our natural ability to react or respond to the circumstances in life has become crippled exactly because of our unique life lessons. We need to know that we don't know certain things. We have to own the fact that we do not see clearly, and some colors, shades, hues, and circumstances have been filtered by our own past, the good and the bad. Not being aware of this fact causes us to limit our ability to interact and bring about positive, lasting change in a lot of situations in our life.
Even though it is impossible to trade sunglasses and see life or the problem through someone else's lenses, it is possible to own the fact that this is a truth worth investigating. Just maybe adding the fact that "We Know That We Don't Know" to our reactions tool box will be worthwhile.
For instance, if someone has had a relatively easy life, relationships have come easy, their looks are acceptable and attractive according to society, things have come fairly easy and home life has been stable, minimum health issues to deal with, (Let's also put them in a church or faith setting for the majority of their life), they will view life very differently than someone who has faced pain, tragedy, failure, abuse, hurt, or rejection on a continual basis. Both of these will have different judgments. They both will be crippled in their reactions to others and life because they filter out different colors of life.
Even though those are extreme opposites, it is true of all of us. Our natural ability to react or respond to the circumstances in life has become crippled exactly because of our unique life lessons. We need to know that we don't know certain things. We have to own the fact that we do not see clearly, and some colors, shades, hues, and circumstances have been filtered by our own past, the good and the bad. Not being aware of this fact causes us to limit our ability to interact and bring about positive, lasting change in a lot of situations in our life.
Even though it is impossible to trade sunglasses and see life or the problem through someone else's lenses, it is possible to own the fact that this is a truth worth investigating. Just maybe adding the fact that "We Know That We Don't Know" to our reactions tool box will be worthwhile.
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There are reasons why we look through a crystal darkly. You bring to mind a friend of mine who has some of the things we deem admirable -- her family, her health, plenty of money, never had a real tragedy in her life, a value to the community -- but constantly complains about what she does NOT have, which seem to be a steady lover. (She used to complain all the time about having a steady job, now she doesn't and she doesn't. I've always operated just the opposite of that. She never complains about lacking good looks, which she does, and I think that is great since we all know people who are pretty but constantly belittle their appearance.) I confess that my reaction is on the negative, for two reasons: first, that she's overlooking the blessings that she has; second, that she seems to think having a boyfriend will Cure All Her Problems like magic. I try to be nice but I can only wade through so much manure before I complain about the stink... and that's hardly considered friendly (unless you consider brutal honesty and destroying delusions "friendly", which I think is more what a friend should do than lie, but others don't agree with me there).
We are told we should walk a mile in someone else's moccasins. The problem is that mocs are custom fit, which is why we can't know what they feel like to someone else -- all we know is that they don't feel right to us. Same with looking at other lives; they're not ours, we don't live in them. As you say, the benefit of the doubt is a good thing to give because it's really all we're capable of giving.
We are told we should walk a mile in someone else's moccasins. The problem is that mocs are custom fit, which is why we can't know what they feel like to someone else -- all we know is that they don't feel right to us. Same with looking at other lives; they're not ours, we don't live in them. As you say, the benefit of the doubt is a good thing to give because it's really all we're capable of giving.
Mushroom:This is a perfect illustration of what I'm talking about. The colors she does not see, but you do. If someone were to read and embrace this post but not the last two about speaking into those relationships instead of being silent, then they would be missing my point all together.
Realizing that we don't see through someone elses's lens of life is just "one" tool that should help us with our knees jerk reaction of Over reacting. This happens mostly because someone moves through life differently than us. On the other hand, If we do not bring good judgment and move against our fear to speak into that individual's life, they continue to spin out of control. Someone close to her needs to speak the truth to her in love, outside of a conflict so she can more readily accept it. This is one of the hardest things for us to do.
Every Past Post on Reactions builds on to next. Constructing within us a new way of navigating this part of our lives.
Thanks Mushroom for adding to the discourse.
Realizing that we don't see through someone elses's lens of life is just "one" tool that should help us with our knees jerk reaction of Over reacting. This happens mostly because someone moves through life differently than us. On the other hand, If we do not bring good judgment and move against our fear to speak into that individual's life, they continue to spin out of control. Someone close to her needs to speak the truth to her in love, outside of a conflict so she can more readily accept it. This is one of the hardest things for us to do.
Every Past Post on Reactions builds on to next. Constructing within us a new way of navigating this part of our lives.
Thanks Mushroom for adding to the discourse.
i find it very difficult to make witty comments to your blog. i guess i'll have to settle for sitting back, shutting up and perhaps learning something.
I agree with you for the most part. The only thing I would caution against is generalization. For instance, I have had some extremely bad, and some very hard, experiences. However, I choose to continue to be hopeful, loving, and encouraging to others. So it's not so much what has happened to us, as what we choose to do about it.
Mckay: Glad you came by. No witty comments needed.
Saur: Thanks for your comments. Help me get out of my own way by giving me specifics of what you felt were generalizations.
Saur: Thanks for your comments. Help me get out of my own way by giving me specifics of what you felt were generalizations.
We bring all that has happened to us and all that we are into our current way of viewing life. It's good advice for us to be aware that our glasses are filtering our vision in certain ways.
This tool will help me look ouside of my personal view and ask if there's stuff I'm missing or blinded to.
This tool will help me look ouside of my personal view and ask if there's stuff I'm missing or blinded to.
Isn't there a french proverb that says to know all is to forgive all?
Your postings always make me think. In fact, I seldom comment on first reading but put them aside and come back later after letting things percolate for a while.
You are putting your postings together as chapters in a book aren't you. Good idea.
Your postings always make me think. In fact, I seldom comment on first reading but put them aside and come back later after letting things percolate for a while.
You are putting your postings together as chapters in a book aren't you. Good idea.
John: Thanks for allowing the percolation. I always enjoy a good percolation every once in a while.
You are correct about the french proverb and the chapter organization.
You are correct about the french proverb and the chapter organization.
Hubby, This part is the part I disagree with:
we all look at everything we are involved with and every person we are in front of with certain lenses that prohibit us from seeing all of the colors, shades and hues before us.
I don't think everyone does. I think it's a choice that most people make, however. So I'm largely in agreement with you.
we all look at everything we are involved with and every person we are in front of with certain lenses that prohibit us from seeing all of the colors, shades and hues before us.
I don't think everyone does. I think it's a choice that most people make, however. So I'm largely in agreement with you.
When I see someone I don't like too much, I have to think that it's time I get to know them a bit better. I need to see life through their glasses for a while.
Ok. So I've percolated a bit over the weekend thinking about my reactions to people and situations -- and to myself.
Found something surprising in that last area. I often kick myself for lacking ambition, strong desires, drive... Somewhere along the line I came to think that lacking these things is bad. But Sunday morning over coffee with my wife I realized that the reason I lack such internal pressures and push is that basically I am a happy, content, satisfied man and that is not a thing to kick myself over.
I get things done because I enjoy doing them, not because I'm driven. Therefore I can do whatever at my own pace.
And here for years I've been kicking myself for a false reason... I know this is not exactly what you've been teaching, but it is what I've been learning as I've thought about your blog postings.
Thanks.
Found something surprising in that last area. I often kick myself for lacking ambition, strong desires, drive... Somewhere along the line I came to think that lacking these things is bad. But Sunday morning over coffee with my wife I realized that the reason I lack such internal pressures and push is that basically I am a happy, content, satisfied man and that is not a thing to kick myself over.
I get things done because I enjoy doing them, not because I'm driven. Therefore I can do whatever at my own pace.
And here for years I've been kicking myself for a false reason... I know this is not exactly what you've been teaching, but it is what I've been learning as I've thought about your blog postings.
Thanks.
Someone close to her needs to speak the truth to her in love, outside of a conflict so she can more readily accept it.
But like many people, someone can lay it out for them and they will say "okay, I understand, thank you" and then they set aside this information to repeat the same mistakes. The phrase "yeah, I know" gets used a lot, but nothing changes -- or as my phrase goes, "knowing better and doing better are two different things." She knows the truth, or has heard it a few times and agrees that it is true. It's easier to accept reality than to internalize it, ya know?
The old saying is "it's easier to curse the dark than to light a single candle"... when applied to people, that is "it's easier to complain about your life than to improve your life." Sometimes all we need to change is our minds.
But like many people, someone can lay it out for them and they will say "okay, I understand, thank you" and then they set aside this information to repeat the same mistakes. The phrase "yeah, I know" gets used a lot, but nothing changes -- or as my phrase goes, "knowing better and doing better are two different things." She knows the truth, or has heard it a few times and agrees that it is true. It's easier to accept reality than to internalize it, ya know?
The old saying is "it's easier to curse the dark than to light a single candle"... when applied to people, that is "it's easier to complain about your life than to improve your life." Sometimes all we need to change is our minds.
Saur: thanks for your comment and disagreement. I like it when people kick back against what I say or write. It forces me to either change positions or solidify where I stand. It's a win, win either way.
John: Thank you for taking the time to digest some of this. It's all about self awareness, so if that is increasing in your life then you have success. keep on percolating!
Mushroom: You are so right on the money. It is easier for all of us to accept things from others without going to the next step and internalizing. Thanks for the interaction
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John: Thank you for taking the time to digest some of this. It's all about self awareness, so if that is increasing in your life then you have success. keep on percolating!
Mushroom: You are so right on the money. It is easier for all of us to accept things from others without going to the next step and internalizing. Thanks for the interaction
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