Hubby Speaks
Monday, October 17, 2005
REACTIONS & TIMING
Perfect reactors understand that the best time to deal with problems is not necessarily at the moment the situation raises its ugly head. Most of us never get to any sort of resolve from our conflicts, because the only time we deal with problems is in the heat of the situation, which is almost always the wrong time. We go from one level of emotional escalation to another, and problems don't get resolved in those times. We don't think very clearly when we're screaming.
What is the desired goal? To properly deal with and resolve the problem so it doesn't keep popping up again. Instead, most of us battle the same problems over and over again, with no real lasting resolve. We do what we can to bring calm to the present and get out of the tension, but that is no resolve at all.
The best resolve comes from a perfect reaction in the present and setting a future time to deal with the problem when people are at their best or at least outside of the immediate emotional upheaval. This takes a great amount of discipline, but it is possible more often than you might think. You can build this into your life and make a world of difference in how you approach resolving conflict.
Do you think you can try this? Next time you find yourself in an problem situation, try and meet it with a calm response. Acknowledge that the problem is having a negative effect on all involved. Set up a meeting around the dinner table or in the conference room to address it where each person can have their say. This will allow some time to pass, so when the problem is addressed, it won't be in the heat of the moment. Have people bring notes if they want to, and then together try and decide a course of action that can be agreed on to bring about resolve.
We've used this approach in our own family. It has worked for me in the business environment as well. People want to be heard. Many problems can be solved if you control your knee-jerk reactions and stop the situation from escalating, then guide people into a time for discussing the problem with cooler heads at a later time.
Mull this over and give me your thoughts. I'll contunue with more on Wednesday.
Perfect reactors understand that the best time to deal with problems is not necessarily at the moment the situation raises its ugly head. Most of us never get to any sort of resolve from our conflicts, because the only time we deal with problems is in the heat of the situation, which is almost always the wrong time. We go from one level of emotional escalation to another, and problems don't get resolved in those times. We don't think very clearly when we're screaming.
What is the desired goal? To properly deal with and resolve the problem so it doesn't keep popping up again. Instead, most of us battle the same problems over and over again, with no real lasting resolve. We do what we can to bring calm to the present and get out of the tension, but that is no resolve at all.
The best resolve comes from a perfect reaction in the present and setting a future time to deal with the problem when people are at their best or at least outside of the immediate emotional upheaval. This takes a great amount of discipline, but it is possible more often than you might think. You can build this into your life and make a world of difference in how you approach resolving conflict.
Do you think you can try this? Next time you find yourself in an problem situation, try and meet it with a calm response. Acknowledge that the problem is having a negative effect on all involved. Set up a meeting around the dinner table or in the conference room to address it where each person can have their say. This will allow some time to pass, so when the problem is addressed, it won't be in the heat of the moment. Have people bring notes if they want to, and then together try and decide a course of action that can be agreed on to bring about resolve.
We've used this approach in our own family. It has worked for me in the business environment as well. People want to be heard. Many problems can be solved if you control your knee-jerk reactions and stop the situation from escalating, then guide people into a time for discussing the problem with cooler heads at a later time.
Mull this over and give me your thoughts. I'll contunue with more on Wednesday.
Comments:
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Well, I'll try. The truth is I don't have many problems since I'm retired, and the kids are grown. I do get annoyed with my husband because he is so messy, and I'm so neat.
I usually just ignore it until I'm ready to explode, and then...I explode.
I usually just ignore it until I'm ready to explode, and then...I explode.
Your wisdom is endless, my Hubby.
I think our kids have appreciated that we listen to them and we take their feelings about things into consideration when we make decisions. I hope they carry this practice out when they have families of their own.
I think our kids have appreciated that we listen to them and we take their feelings about things into consideration when we make decisions. I hope they carry this practice out when they have families of their own.
There are only the two of us living here and it is not the same as when there are kids in the house.
Putting off a discussion (screaming match) until later may take more self-control than I am capable of. But I will try it - and see what happens.
Putting off a discussion (screaming match) until later may take more self-control than I am capable of. But I will try it - and see what happens.
I agree entirely. As you know, they recommend that approach when disciplining children, too. You should take some time away and take some deep breaths before you make a move to punish that child.
Of course, it's sometimes easier said than done. There are times that I want to choke my child, but will instead talk to him through my teeth. Loudly.
Sometimes I think, my god! I sound just like my mother! In spite of all I've been trained in, there are times that the old sayings are the most appropriate. "Because I said so." "Never you mind, just do it." etc. But, at least I would never haul off and hit him, and that is due to the self-control. Lots of it. :P
Of course, it's sometimes easier said than done. There are times that I want to choke my child, but will instead talk to him through my teeth. Loudly.
Sometimes I think, my god! I sound just like my mother! In spite of all I've been trained in, there are times that the old sayings are the most appropriate. "Because I said so." "Never you mind, just do it." etc. But, at least I would never haul off and hit him, and that is due to the self-control. Lots of it. :P
T.L.P: Holding things in is an inauthentic way of relating and almost always results in explosion. We either hold things in because of timing issues or fear. When it's a timing issue then you will be actively pursuing the right time. If it is fear, identify what you are afraid of. Then move into the fear. Most of the time we enlarge our fears so much that we think we could never tackle them. As we do move toward it we find out we shouldn't have feared it as much as we did. The exception of course is when there is the potential of abuse. If there is, then we get help as fast as we can. But even getting help means you have to move against your fear.
Kenju: picture yourself handling the situation differently, and then create the new response. Don’t define yourself by the past.
Saur: It is scary when we hear ourselves saying the same things we hated hearing when we were kids. Most of the time we try to explain ourselves too much to our kids when they are younger and then when they are teens we end of saying,”because I said so”. If we reversed that trend we would end up with better parent/teen relationships.
Kenju: picture yourself handling the situation differently, and then create the new response. Don’t define yourself by the past.
Saur: It is scary when we hear ourselves saying the same things we hated hearing when we were kids. Most of the time we try to explain ourselves too much to our kids when they are younger and then when they are teens we end of saying,”because I said so”. If we reversed that trend we would end up with better parent/teen relationships.
I use this technique often.(waiting for the proper time and place to react)
I'm chairman of a board that governs our county. I've found that listening will sometimes be all that was needed, sometimes just inviting them to vent to the board "I'll be happy to place you on the agenda", will do it,,,,and then often it's "I'm pleased you've been open with me but the problem is not yours and you shouldn't be the one to worry about it". "I'll handle the problem and you can leave work every night with the peace of mind that you're doing the best job possible. Just like you've been doing here for years"
Yes I agree, never jump into a heated situation.
I'm chairman of a board that governs our county. I've found that listening will sometimes be all that was needed, sometimes just inviting them to vent to the board "I'll be happy to place you on the agenda", will do it,,,,and then often it's "I'm pleased you've been open with me but the problem is not yours and you shouldn't be the one to worry about it". "I'll handle the problem and you can leave work every night with the peace of mind that you're doing the best job possible. Just like you've been doing here for years"
Yes I agree, never jump into a heated situation.
Cliff: Thanks for your thoughts. I wish more environments were handled this way. We all have the ability to create a better ethos or ambiance in our home and office or work places. Ambiance gets set by what we leak and the stories we tell. Some people leak busyness, some leak frustration, we all leak something. As we figure out what that is, we possess the power to turn almost every negative situation into something better.
wise words, Jamie's Hubby, the first reaction is usually the worst reaction, and giving our brains time to think things over leads into nice results. so here my question is: what do you do to handle the tension is ready to eat your living heart once you don't start to scream to get rid of it immediately?
and welcome in the blogworld!
and welcome in the blogworld!
My sister and I had a blow up this summer and her husband was present. When he had had enough of us arguing, he jumped up and told her that he was packing the van and they were leaving. Sadly they did just that with him saying that they will never return. I have e-mailed her a couple of times with no response, only a blatant slam against me on her blog.
Not sure that I have the emotional wherewithal to continue writing with no response.
I can't help but think that if we had sat down as you suggested and discussed the situation in a civilized fashion, we wouldn't be in this boat.
Loving what you have to say. Thanks for sharing....
Not sure that I have the emotional wherewithal to continue writing with no response.
I can't help but think that if we had sat down as you suggested and discussed the situation in a civilized fashion, we wouldn't be in this boat.
Loving what you have to say. Thanks for sharing....
Ariel: Thanks for coming by. If screaming is what you normally do to relieve the tension inside, then you and only you have created that reality. Maybe, that is how you usually behave when a situation gets tension filled. Now, I’m not saying that there are not times to scream. It should not be our knee jerk reaction. You and I are powerful people who get to recreate the reality that we know. Screaming in a tension filled relationship is a learned and self imposed weakness. You don’t have to do it. Most of us who scream in our relationships think that the problem lies outside of ourselves, so we react to it. Actually the problem is inside and can be corrected. You and I have to make corrections all the time in our relating patterns. The reasons people don’t is because we are to busy protecting our ego. Most people’s problems in life are products of justifying themselves and protecting themselves when they should be correcting themselves. Most of my problems and maybe yours are the result of waiting to the last minute to do what needs to be done, or say what needs to be said. You can correct patterns of behavior that are negative. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the successful keep correcting when they get off course. And we all get off course all through the day. We just continue to be committed to a path that we will do whatever has to be done to get to the next step, and then the next step, and so on. Unsuccessful people just live intimidated and immobilized by the fear of other people discovering that they are in error or are making a mistake.
Make a decision once and for all not to be one of those people. You are not defined by your failures unless you choose to be.
Make a decision once and for all not to be one of those people. You are not defined by your failures unless you choose to be.
What if you try to talk reasonably to someone and they just stare at your forehead the entire time? What reaction is appropriate at that time? : )
Seriously, though, this is an area I have to be conscious of constantly as a stay-at-home dad - always trying to wisely discern when I should show grace and when I need to make my legion of children aware that all behavior is consequential. And I usually fail miserably at it, but fortunately there is grace for me as well. And I'm learning.
Seriously, though, this is an area I have to be conscious of constantly as a stay-at-home dad - always trying to wisely discern when I should show grace and when I need to make my legion of children aware that all behavior is consequential. And I usually fail miserably at it, but fortunately there is grace for me as well. And I'm learning.
Scott: If someone is following the orders of my wife by staring at your forehead,the only reasonable thing to do is to slap them
My passion for this subject comes out my many embarrassing and hurtful reactions that I have inflicted on my children and my wife in the past. Fail forward my friend, always fail forward.
My passion for this subject comes out my many embarrassing and hurtful reactions that I have inflicted on my children and my wife in the past. Fail forward my friend, always fail forward.
oh I'm not the screaming one but I'm also not the patient one. :) you are right, it's all about ego. so silly. but hey, we are learning.
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