Hubby Speaks
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
One Day Two People Did the Same Old Thing, But One Of Them Did It Differently
I'm reading a book entitled "I'm Right, You're Wrong. Now What?" It's a book about direct and effective ways to settle disputes without fighting, folding or fleeing. Even if the other person does not cooperate you can improve the tone of your disagreement, sort out what you want or need most and come up with practical action plans that lead to a satisfactory outcome. The approach begins with the answers to these six questions.
1. What are my negative feelings?
2. What's the fairest way to describe the problem?
3. Why do I want to work things out?
4. How would I like things between us to be?
5. How can I actually get that?
6. And if that doesn't work, what else can I do?
Think of a problem you are having with another person at this time. If you apply these questions to your thought process, does it help you? Can you think of any better questions to ask?
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Those are good questions. I think they would help guide me through a conflict.
I'd also ask myself:
- am I sure I have communicated clearly and that the other person understands what I'm saying/hearing/feeling
- Have I clearly stated what I want? What my expectations are.
I used to often make the mistake of not saying what I want and expecting the other person to infer it or just figure it out ;-)
I'd also ask myself:
- am I sure I have communicated clearly and that the other person understands what I'm saying/hearing/feeling
- Have I clearly stated what I want? What my expectations are.
I used to often make the mistake of not saying what I want and expecting the other person to infer it or just figure it out ;-)
• Can we meet in the middle somehow? If not, who has to give up what?
• Is it worth debating if the compromise is unbalanced? What would the result be of attempting to discuss the unfairness?
This is a common situation between spouses, and between parents and children. And the dominant spouse (usually wife!) or the parent wins, sometimes out of respect and sometimes because they are a force which cannot be reaconed with. Parents invoke "I'm the adult, that's why" line, spouses are a little more nebulous and devious.
Have heard of households with four boys, a husband and a wife. The toilet seat stays down because that's what the woman insists it be, despite being drastically outnumbered by people who pee standing up. Why? Because she will chew your ears off if you don't. Compromise? We'll do it her way and avoid punishment.
[Here? It's me and my bride. We did debate about toilet seat position and toilet paper direction. Took a bit but I convinced her that both parties should LOOK at the position of the seat before proceeding with business, one side should not have a default. Then we got a cat, and we agreed that the default position should be lid down because he likes to go swimming. :) Toilet paper was easy enough: she has arthritis in her thumbs so she leaves changing the roll to me. Might not be the case if we had a slide-on dispenser instead of the standard spring-loaded one.)
• Is it worth debating if the compromise is unbalanced? What would the result be of attempting to discuss the unfairness?
This is a common situation between spouses, and between parents and children. And the dominant spouse (usually wife!) or the parent wins, sometimes out of respect and sometimes because they are a force which cannot be reaconed with. Parents invoke "I'm the adult, that's why" line, spouses are a little more nebulous and devious.
Have heard of households with four boys, a husband and a wife. The toilet seat stays down because that's what the woman insists it be, despite being drastically outnumbered by people who pee standing up. Why? Because she will chew your ears off if you don't. Compromise? We'll do it her way and avoid punishment.
[Here? It's me and my bride. We did debate about toilet seat position and toilet paper direction. Took a bit but I convinced her that both parties should LOOK at the position of the seat before proceeding with business, one side should not have a default. Then we got a cat, and we agreed that the default position should be lid down because he likes to go swimming. :) Toilet paper was easy enough: she has arthritis in her thumbs so she leaves changing the roll to me. Might not be the case if we had a slide-on dispenser instead of the standard spring-loaded one.)
Those are excellent questions. Compromise, give and take, etc... are how problems generally get worked out.
Kyah is right about the need to be clear about what you want and need. That doesn't mean you'll get it though.
Mush and his wife seem to have the give & take thing going pretty well. Sounds a bit like you and me fiddling with the thermostat.
Kyah is right about the need to be clear about what you want and need. That doesn't mean you'll get it though.
Mush and his wife seem to have the give & take thing going pretty well. Sounds a bit like you and me fiddling with the thermostat.
The thermostat item is easy here: I never touch it. I can put on a sweater or wear a T-shirt, it's not an issue... plus there is a temperature difference between my office and the rest of the house due to the computer. :)
Kyah: Great thoughts. I think we all would like the other person to just know what we want without having to tell them or speak up for ourselves. Life would be so much easier.
Mushroom: Two great questions to add to the process. Shall we start a charity fund for your new slide on toliet paper dispenser?
Mushroom: Two great questions to add to the process. Shall we start a charity fund for your new slide on toliet paper dispenser?
Jamie: You know when we discuss the thermostat, I graciously give in. (until you're asleep) Then somehow magically the house cools down. It's a miracle.
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