Hubby Speaks
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
REACTIONS AND FILTERS part 2
My reactions, unfiltered, have little chance of bringing about better relationships or environments around me.
Filters are created by awareness of your immediate state of mind, emotionally and physically. Filters detect and help weed out responses that are immersed in fears, disappointments, past hurts, feeling overwhelmed, feeling lonely, irritated, tired etc.
For instance if I run my reactions through my filter and realize that I’m afraid of answering questions from a person, then I will be defensive. Answering those questions may be the best thing for everyone in the long run. But my fear of being questioned or judged will cause me to shut down or be angry.
If my child does something that irritates me, my unfiltered reaction may be destructive to the relationship, but filtered will allow me to be aware of my inner state of being before reacting or taking appropriate action steps.
Being self aware as well as sensitive to extenuating circumstances will also help us understand what inadvertently causes us to shut down or ramp up emotionally.
How do we pause long enough to filter our reactions? First, by being aware that the filtering process needs to take place. If you are not aware of filtering, then there is no reason to filter. The reason you filter coffee is because of the distasteful coffee grounds that cause drinking coffee to be disgusting and ruin the drink. The same is true about our un-filtered reactions, they become distasteful and the ruin of relationships and communication.
If I can catch myself before I react or if I have time to consider my reactions before I attend a meeting or have an interaction between an employee, friend or family member, I am much more likely to have an outcome that is conducive for success no matter what that success is defined by. For example, if success is deepening the relationship, than pausing before or considering my reaction before a conversation can bring about that result. If success for a situation means being heard and bringing about a proper response than I can accomplish that as well. If success is to bring about some sort of change in behavior or a motivation than I can process my anger or irritation before I just let it fly. This is not an attempt to not feel emotions that should be felt, rather it is an attempt to identify emotions and circumstances before they cause an under reaction or an over reaction. Under reactions mostly are caused by fear of how the other person or persons will respond to you and what you have to say.
Under reaction in relationships allow things to go unsaid that should be said. If we are tired when we get home from work and the only thing we have on our mind is relaxing in our favorite chair while watching the television, we are more likely to not confront children or spouse who are doing things that are unreasonable or destructive. The fear is that if we confront and they blow up, the entire evening could be the antithesis of what we had hoped for and possibly needed.
Also, there are some people for whom it is very difficult for them to confront for fear of being disliked. And still others who have self esteem issues and never feel like they have the right to bring correction in any given circumstances.
Yet still there are others who have a hard time ignoring situations around them and are quick to speak up where they see things out of control or need someone to address the problems. Many people in this category feel like they have answers to a lot of problems that they encounter, and aren’t shy to bring that realization to all who have ears to hear.
Surprisingly, one of the biggest obstacles for people is when they are very good leaders and have a reputation for making the right calls. This confidence lures these people into “not” pausing enough and checking their knee jerk reactions. This same confidence, which in most other areas of their life serves them well, is now interfering with what’s best. Which is to pause and run their thoughts and knee jerk reactions through the filter of awareness.
So for the timid, there needs to be a concerted effort to step into situations around them and speak up, and for the aggressive, a concerted effort to pause and be aware of their knee jerk reaction or thoughts and possibly ratchet it down a notch.
Comments:
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I guess it all comes down to be able to truthfully self-analyze. If we do that enough, then we will become aware of our tendencies and work to bring balance to the out-of-whack areas.
Each person probably falls into one of the catagories, most of the time: overreactor or underreactor. But, I think people vascillate a bit between the two based on the situation. I am usually an underreactor, but that doesn't mean I don't ever overreact.
Each person probably falls into one of the catagories, most of the time: overreactor or underreactor. But, I think people vascillate a bit between the two based on the situation. I am usually an underreactor, but that doesn't mean I don't ever overreact.
If I filter my reactions too much, then the moment passes and I don't react at all -- or is that in itself a reaction?
In most incidents, I really don't care enough to react anyhow.
Curious.
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In most incidents, I really don't care enough to react anyhow.
Curious.
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