Hubby Speaks
Friday, November 04, 2005
REACTIONS AND INTENTIONALITY
I have made certain commitments about food and exercise in my life, but how serious I am about those commitments is difficult to determine without measuring my progress. A scale serves as one tool of accountability. Am I achieving my goal, or am I missing it? Ultimately the scale reveals how effective I have been in living up to my commitment.
It is unlikely that we will improve our reactions and deepen our relationship with others by approaching it in a casual or haphazard manner. People do not casually drift into being in control of their reactions, just as people do not drift into becoming loving, joy-filled, or patient. It requires intention and effort.
The default mode of the human heart is to drift. If a person desires to experience real transformation in this area of reactions, it's typically because they have faced either the consequences of their destructive behavior or someone else has cared enough to say, "I want you to live a different way, and I want to help you know if you are serious about it."
We all need to make some key decisions on our journey of reaction transformation. What are my commitments to becoming a more patient & loving reactor? What are my commitments about living in authenticity? Keeping these commitments requires intentionality and a level of accountability to serve as a scale revealing how we're achieving our goals or missing them.
Please give me your feedback on ways in which someone might gauge or measure how they are doing in the area of reactions, and how they might welcome more accountability to themselves.
It is unlikely that we will improve our reactions and deepen our relationship with others by approaching it in a casual or haphazard manner. People do not casually drift into being in control of their reactions, just as people do not drift into becoming loving, joy-filled, or patient. It requires intention and effort.
The default mode of the human heart is to drift. If a person desires to experience real transformation in this area of reactions, it's typically because they have faced either the consequences of their destructive behavior or someone else has cared enough to say, "I want you to live a different way, and I want to help you know if you are serious about it."
We all need to make some key decisions on our journey of reaction transformation. What are my commitments to becoming a more patient & loving reactor? What are my commitments about living in authenticity? Keeping these commitments requires intentionality and a level of accountability to serve as a scale revealing how we're achieving our goals or missing them.
Please give me your feedback on ways in which someone might gauge or measure how they are doing in the area of reactions, and how they might welcome more accountability to themselves.
Comments:
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I think one way to gauge how we are doing is to ask our family members. If we allow them to, they could be a great source of accountability. We have to give them permission to be honest with us.
Never ye forget that polite society trains us to lie. "One may smile, and smile, and yet still be a villian" as Shakespeare said. We intentionally make it hard to gauge reactions because we're not supposed to let others know what we think. No matter how many parents tell their kids that honesty is the best policy, they still punish their kids for admitting they did something wrong (even if the blow is lesser for confessing than for denying, which the kid learns eventually can avoid the punishment situation entirely if convincing). It's considered bad form to say "You are visually unpleasant" or "You have hurt my feelings with your actions" or other unpleasant truths... we're supposed to look out for others' happiness at the cost of our own.
How do we gauge our reactions? By whether anyone notices them.
How do we gauge our reactions? By whether anyone notices them.
Mushroom: WOW! "By whether anyone notices them", that's a metric I hadn't thought of, thanks.
The analytical side of me is stuck on the phrase "we're suppposed to look out for others' happiness at the cost of our own". Is that society's voice or yours?
The analytical side of me is stuck on the phrase "we're suppposed to look out for others' happiness at the cost of our own". Is that society's voice or yours?
Hubby, I am in too much pain for my mind to function right now (I'm looking forward to surgery on Weds) so I'll weigh in on such weighty topics next week. Just wanted to say hello!
My own opinion is that while we should 'do unto others as we would want done unto ourselves' that's a two-way street; both sides have to be considerate and playing by the same rules... does this happen often enough? Consider for yourself whose voice it is.
• Grandma gives you a really ugly sweater. Do you say, "geez, this is really hideous" to her, or are you supposed to smile and say "thank you!" and appear pleased? Will your mom swat you if you look as dismayed as you are?
• Your boss has just given you a really crap assignment, one that requires a whole bunch of running around and bugging others, which you know the results of will be ignored but you will be penalized if you don't do it. Do you cut to the chase and say "this is unneccesary and rediculous" or do you suck it up and do what you're paid to do and present the boss with a "Can do, chief!" attitude?
• We might not throw our coats over puddles for ladies anymore, but there are plenty of other "let me inconvenience myself so that you will not be inconvenienced" actions we do in daily life. Right down to cheerfully thanking someone we find damned annoying and demanding for doing business with us.
• Grandma gives you a really ugly sweater. Do you say, "geez, this is really hideous" to her, or are you supposed to smile and say "thank you!" and appear pleased? Will your mom swat you if you look as dismayed as you are?
• Your boss has just given you a really crap assignment, one that requires a whole bunch of running around and bugging others, which you know the results of will be ignored but you will be penalized if you don't do it. Do you cut to the chase and say "this is unneccesary and rediculous" or do you suck it up and do what you're paid to do and present the boss with a "Can do, chief!" attitude?
• We might not throw our coats over puddles for ladies anymore, but there are plenty of other "let me inconvenience myself so that you will not be inconvenienced" actions we do in daily life. Right down to cheerfully thanking someone we find damned annoying and demanding for doing business with us.
Dear JD's hubby, you truly do ask tough questions!
Most of my response is around the idea that JD gave-that of allowing the people in our lives to comment, feedback, without retribution. It takes humility and discipline to do this. Most of the people I know learned, through the process of growing up, that its 'not rewarding' to criticize the alpha person in the household. We come into adulthood with some serious fears about confrontation. So, if I want the people in my life to give me honest feedback, I have to earn their trust by receiving their feedback in a honest, accountable fashion. This has been a hard thing for me to learn but I've really worked at it for about 10 years. My kids, husband and close friends seem to be comfortable (sort of) with doing this.
The other metric I use is jsut my inner voice. It tells me quite honestly what is up. I need to choose to listen. I have amazing gut instincts, as I'm sure most of us do. How we respond/react is often a matter of how well we tune into ourselves.
The other tool I've used in personal accountability is a catchy little phrase I learned when I took the 'Excellence' series of courses from Context. It is:
'I attract to me that which occurs.'
Meaning, I am accountable for who I am, what I am, my results...everything. I'm not a victim of the universe, circumstance or anything. I am at cause and can always choose.
So, when my scale is not telling me something wonderful (I too have those pesky lifestyle goals), then I can honestly look to myself and say, 'what have I done to make this happen'.
Thanks for another thoughtful and though provoking post.
Most of my response is around the idea that JD gave-that of allowing the people in our lives to comment, feedback, without retribution. It takes humility and discipline to do this. Most of the people I know learned, through the process of growing up, that its 'not rewarding' to criticize the alpha person in the household. We come into adulthood with some serious fears about confrontation. So, if I want the people in my life to give me honest feedback, I have to earn their trust by receiving their feedback in a honest, accountable fashion. This has been a hard thing for me to learn but I've really worked at it for about 10 years. My kids, husband and close friends seem to be comfortable (sort of) with doing this.
The other metric I use is jsut my inner voice. It tells me quite honestly what is up. I need to choose to listen. I have amazing gut instincts, as I'm sure most of us do. How we respond/react is often a matter of how well we tune into ourselves.
The other tool I've used in personal accountability is a catchy little phrase I learned when I took the 'Excellence' series of courses from Context. It is:
'I attract to me that which occurs.'
Meaning, I am accountable for who I am, what I am, my results...everything. I'm not a victim of the universe, circumstance or anything. I am at cause and can always choose.
So, when my scale is not telling me something wonderful (I too have those pesky lifestyle goals), then I can honestly look to myself and say, 'what have I done to make this happen'.
Thanks for another thoughtful and though provoking post.
Mushroom: Your comments always cause me to look through a different lens. (which is a very good thing) Thank you!
Each of your bullet points dealt with a negative situation in which a person holds back the truth for the sake of another person or situation. That just might be a perfect reaction for that situation. If it is , then that's the point of all my writing. If it is a developed coping mechanism out of some kind of fear, then it it's not a perfect reaction and will eventually cause more harm than intended good. Each person gets to evaluate themselves by either asking great questions or having great friendships.
Each of your bullet points dealt with a negative situation in which a person holds back the truth for the sake of another person or situation. That just might be a perfect reaction for that situation. If it is , then that's the point of all my writing. If it is a developed coping mechanism out of some kind of fear, then it it's not a perfect reaction and will eventually cause more harm than intended good. Each person gets to evaluate themselves by either asking great questions or having great friendships.
kyahgirl: Great comments.
"I attract to me that which occurs" I like that phrase.
Of course, those who have had bad things inflicted upon them by evil people or the unfairness of life will be offended by that saying. And rightfully so, because it invalidates their pain. But, I think the saying fits perfectly outside that area for so many other things and issues in our lives. Thanks.
"I attract to me that which occurs" I like that phrase.
Of course, those who have had bad things inflicted upon them by evil people or the unfairness of life will be offended by that saying. And rightfully so, because it invalidates their pain. But, I think the saying fits perfectly outside that area for so many other things and issues in our lives. Thanks.
hubby, I know what you mean about the offense taken by some. In fact, when I was in this course and we were discussing the concept, several people were outraged. They brought up pedophiles (do you blame children for attracting pedophiles?), or other dark unfair things like housebreakers, hurricanes, etc. We were encouraged to let go of right and wrong as well as blame when we use this statement.
In the case of pedophiles. A person can say, I attracted that. I'm not to blame, I wasn't in the wrong. I didn't TRY to bring a pedophile into my life, but I was a child and a pedophile victimized me. That is what they do. I can choose how I respond. I can choose how to go on. By using the concept, a person can start to feel some of the empowerment that goes with accountability.
It takes time to practice using the concept and to feel comfortable. (I'm referring to dealing with adults here-the concept can be useful with children but its obviously much trickier to help them recover in a meaningful way from the damage of physical, sexual, emotional abuse)
In the process of ending my first marriage and restoring my life to my control, I had occasion to practice personal accountability a lot. My ex was using every trick in the book from threatening and trying suicide, to financial ruin. I made it through that by being personally accountable and falling back on my number one guideline for living: 'be clear about what is most important to you'. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was four years of trials followed by another 5 or six of nightmares.
In light of the horrors that go on in the world, I don't think I've really suffered I have used the lessons to learn and grow and become a stronger person. Personal accountabilit is one of the most powerful tools there is.
take care,
Laura
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In the case of pedophiles. A person can say, I attracted that. I'm not to blame, I wasn't in the wrong. I didn't TRY to bring a pedophile into my life, but I was a child and a pedophile victimized me. That is what they do. I can choose how I respond. I can choose how to go on. By using the concept, a person can start to feel some of the empowerment that goes with accountability.
It takes time to practice using the concept and to feel comfortable. (I'm referring to dealing with adults here-the concept can be useful with children but its obviously much trickier to help them recover in a meaningful way from the damage of physical, sexual, emotional abuse)
In the process of ending my first marriage and restoring my life to my control, I had occasion to practice personal accountability a lot. My ex was using every trick in the book from threatening and trying suicide, to financial ruin. I made it through that by being personally accountable and falling back on my number one guideline for living: 'be clear about what is most important to you'. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was four years of trials followed by another 5 or six of nightmares.
In light of the horrors that go on in the world, I don't think I've really suffered I have used the lessons to learn and grow and become a stronger person. Personal accountabilit is one of the most powerful tools there is.
take care,
Laura
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